You know what my favorite part of Christmas is? My Christmas tree! Yup, it trumps presents and baby Jesus. It just does. Don’t hate.
For me, a Christmas tree embodies the spirit of the holidays. Everyone should have a tree—no matter what religion they practice. I mean hell, the meaning of Christmas has been lost on our overindulgent world of commercialism anyways! Why not decorate your own Chanukah tree, Buddha tree, or Kwanzaa tree? It’s all good! Have fun! ‘Tis the season to be jolly and decorate the shit out of things!
This is what I’m talkin about!
Anyways, shortly after Thanksgiving I begin obsessing with excitement –time to get the tree!! Grandiose dreams of bundling up, trucking through the forest and cutting down the perfect tree are soon lost on the 10% off coupon from Dave’s Christmas Trees. Think: (1) ten minutes away; (2) already cut; (3) no mud; and, (4) I have a cou-pon, yo!
Christmas tree death camp. Happy Holidays!
At Dave’s I examine the trees to find one that meets my specifications. It must be an eight foot Silvertip that displays a sense of harmonious and aesthetically pleasing proportionality. I ain’t down with no Charlie Brown tree. Not now, not ever. Once we have chosen “the one,” the red sea parts – ah, I mean husband’s wallet parts and the tree is ours! ALL
OURS MINE, muahhaahahhaahhaaaa!!!
Not gonna do it:
At home, husband puts the tree up. Thank you. Now step aside fool cause mama’s coming to town! I’m just a tad particular with my tree, that’s all. MY tree! And, as much as I would love to say that tree decorating is a family affair, it is not. It is mine alone. Got it? Don’t touch. :O)
I must concede though, this year I allocated the bottom fourth of the tree to toddler so he could participate in this most delightful tradition. Unfortunately, this concession resulted in the birth of a “Mullet Tree” (i.e. business up top, and party on the bottom). It wasn’t looking good.
But, don’t worry, there’s no need to despair; once toddler passed out I rearranged everything to obtain a greater sense of uniformity throughout the tree. What? It’s called OCD — it’s a
mental medical condition!
Paper, Christmas tree ornaments . . . it’s all the same.
Okay, now on to lights. Augh. I hate doing lights! That is the most suckiest part of tree decorating. Because, inevitably, once 75% of the lighting is complete, one-half of them will go out. This is most always the case.
So, I begin again. New lights strung – and, this time I doubled up just in case! Now ribbon. I haven’t quite mastered ribbon. It seems the outcome always ends up looking like my tree got t.p.’d, by an amateur. But it’s going up anyways.
Dude, someone’s got a good throwing arm!
Lastly, the ornaments. YAY! This is my fav!! Doot, da, do, doot, da, do, Fa, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, laaaaaa!! Red ornament here, gold ornament there. Ugly ornament on the bottom. Damn, how many ornaments do we have? Over it. I’ll finish tomorrow.
Excitement fades and procrastination takes hold. After about a week I wanna throw the E.L.F. soundtrack out the window and hire someone to put the remaining five ornaments on the damn tree. Then, finally, when I can’t take it no mo, I finally finish. Ta Duh!
This is MY tree in all it’s fiery glory!