Lately, I’ve been suffering from an elevated frustration level due to my inability to determine what I want to be when I grow up. Yes, I am 34 28. And, no, I am not grown up. Luckily, I have had a successful career which has provided me with financial stability, a great work-life balance, and lifelong friendships. However, the passion and drive that once fueled my fire has been extinguished – just like the fifth of Jameson in my desk drawer.
I know you may be thinking, “ggiirrlll, you just burnt out.” And, at first that’s what I thought too. But then I started reminiscing about my dreams and aspirations growing up. Man, I was certain I was going to be a lawyer, living in a mansion, driving around in a pink limousine, married to Danny G. (elementary school crush) with 100 kids. Okay, maybe I took the game MASH a little too seriously. But, nonetheless . . .
MASH: Mansion, Apartment, Shack, House
Click here to play. DO IT!
So, what occupation did you land on? Oh, me? I landed on my “Nature Park Guide” entry. And by “Nature Park,” I mean cobblestone paths lined with wild flowers, honey badgers and big ass trees — not snakes, cliffs or poison ivy.
Did I mention I would be dancing after the guided tour?
Unfortunately though, that job doesn’t really fit into my scheme of things – so what else could I possibly do? I’ve already explored quite a few options including these past favorites:
- Waitress at an old folks home. They were like Betty White on crack.
- Pool Girl. Maybe I should call it Billard Girl as I didn’t walk around in a bikini, but almost.
- Premium Finance Technician. Ya, I don’t know what the fuck that is either.
Professional Bull Rider. Yee-Haw!
- Administrative Assistant. I can organize the shit outta things.
Honestly, Pool Girl was my most favoritist job I have ever had. My “uniform” consisted of black short shorts, an almost half-top referee shirt, and a pair of Converse. My job was to manage the pool table reservations, which included brushing the tables and, literally, racking yo balls. How slutty right? Right – and the tips were great too! It may have been fun and borderline illegal (did I tell you I was only 18?), but, unfortunately, it was short lived. :O(
In addition to seeking conventional jobs, I have also found myself guided bumpily down the road towards entrepreneurship. Like the time I attempted to sell knives to ninjas – okay, maybe not ninjas. But I definitely tried my hand at selling knives. Unfortunately, I never made a sale. Fuck knives. And people.
That’s real blood from my last non-sale.
Also, later in life, I had grandiose dreams of opening a pet resort and spa. Coincidentally, I was going to call it “Katie the Pet Lady.” (Original, right?) It was going to be tight! But, life moved me in another direction which is great because now I don’t perpetually smell like dog shit.
Although none of my previous endeavors worked out, they were awfully fun to dabble in! But, that is the past and now I need to focus on the future! So, let’s take a look at my other dream jobs as documented in my game of MASH:
Forest Ranger: I could wear a pith helmet and live in some small little forest that doesn’t have a lot of snow, just a little. And, my cabin could have a nice deck overlooking the crick where I could lay out in the summer. And I could make my own moonshine and dance around in my knickers. Also, all the wildlife could be tamed by my song.
Writer: Ah, to live out this fantasy would be divine. But, um, have you read the shit I be write’n? There’s not a long list of fools pitchin me book deals, yet.
Human Resource Manager: This is what I should strive for. What a great grown up job! But, this, this blog is going to ruin me, isn’t it?
Colon-Rectal Surgeon: Because in the game of MASH there always has to be one shitty alternative. hee hee.
I must say, a couple of my MASH options look quite attainable with a little hard work and perseverence. And the others I will surely be reminded of when pursuing my hobbies or when I’m helping Toddler wipe his ass.
I must confess though, there is one other profession I am certain would suite me quite well – SAHM (Stay at Home Mom)! However, one caveat must be met before I could accept this position. You see I wanna get down wit Betty Crocker, Martha Stewart, and Oprah and well, there’s just no easy way to put it . . . Toddler’s got to go. I mean, who would watch Toddler when I was getting a massage or while I was watching Days of Lives? And Toddler would inevitably want juice or some shit when I was in the middle of ninja role playing.
So, it looks as though my best bet is to continue to give my best in my current career, and invest time in activities that will help me advance towards my goals. Being that the average worker will change their career 3-5 times during their lifetime, I will embrace this change knowing that there is still hope I may be crowned ”Pool Girl” once again! Holla!
**Are you living the dream? If not, what chu wanna do?