Welcome my friend! You have stumbled upon my writings of random comicalness. Here you will find short stories which document the realities that are my life. I love sharing–in fact some may say I share too much too often. And, they can suck it. Luckily for you here in internet-land, I can’t hold you captive and make you read like I do with my hostages friends. I do hope though, my writings fulfill some kind of fucked up void you are looking to fill. As such, I implore you to read, laugh, relate and share if you are so inclined!
Who is This Bitch?
I am Katie, hear me ROAR! Okay, that was lame, but I’m keeping it anyways. I’m an old ass broad, well not that old. But 34 sure seems old when compared to the 2 ½ years my adorable son has been on this earth. I am a mom and wife which means I am a planner, housekeeper, chef, accountant, doctor, dictatorand mutha fuckin babysitter yo!
I also work full-time like every other poor sap who, works full-time. I enjoy writing, running, dancing, meditating, eating, and drinking wine, lots of wine, and am also especially fond of chocolate espresso martinis! No I don’t have a problem so you best not be tryin to report me to CPS. I’ve been waiting FO-EVA to get my teardrop tattoo so don’t even play!
Is This Bitch a Qualified Storyteller?
Unequivocally, yes. In 1983 I received my certification in storytelling. In fact, one of my first stories was not surprisingly told to my parents:
No I did not lock Nikki (my 2 year old sister) in the bathroom and cut off all her hair. She followed me in there when I was giving Barbie a therapeutic shampoo and conditioning. I figured since I was there I would go ahead and trim up Barbie’s fucked up ends as she was looking pretty haggard.
Once I finished with the cut I realized that bitch was still in need of some intensive conditioning. So, I set the scissors aside and began applying a Vaseline conditioning therapy. I looked away for one second and Nikki had grabbed the scissors and cut off ALL her hair. Not my problem. Bitch shoulda known better.
Ya, they totally bought it! In fact, in seventh grade when I was having a bad bang day—which by the way meant that my Aqua Net was not sufficiently holding my bangs five inches high—I cut that shit off, and blamed it on my sister. And people believed me too!
OMG, my sister is such a psycho! Last night we like got in a fight, and when I went to bed she like came into my room when I was sleeping and like cut off like part of my bangs! Do you know how long it will like take for me to like grow this shit out again? I am so losing my street cred as we speak! Like what am I going to do?
No wonder all my friends slept with one eye open during sleepovers. My poor, poor sister, Nikki chicken (Brawk bra-brawk!).
Why Should I Believe a Thing This Bitch Says?
Didn’t you ever hear, “You shouldn’t believe everything you read?” But, for your piece of mind, my storytelling is 99.5% nonfiction with just a dash of hyperbole.
I’ve Still Got Questions This Bitch Hasn’t Answered!
Feel free to email with any questions! I’m more than happy to make up responses respond to your inquiries!
Thank you, thank you, and thank you again for visiting my blog! I hope you enjoy it as much as I do! :O)