I typically skip Black Friday because I hate people. But this year, after hours of holiday cheer, I decided “What the hell?!” If I could stay awake until midnight, I had a good chance of pepper spraying some fools. Also, shitfaced shopping stimulates the economy.
To successfully complete my mission, I would need to be prepared. Operation Black Friday was about to go down yo.
Thanksgiving: Hella Late
Fuck ya! So glad I bought this extra fo-teh of Mickey’s!
Shake, unscrew and spray forty of malt liquor on face while making Courtney Stooden facial expressions.
I’m awake, I’m awake!
Jump into skintight black rubber suit. Pull up skull patterned leg warmers and lace up high-heeled Air Jordans. Secure drivers license, ATM and credit cards into fanny pack while simultaneously holstering container of Red Bull/Vodka onto same. Lock and load hand glocks with rainbows and unicorns.
Grab coupons, ads and bucket of leftover Kentucky Fried Chicken. Jump into eco-friendly limo and head for, uhhhh, Walmart bitches! Inhale leftover chicken. Rub greasy hands all over rubber suit to aid in impending sticky situations.
Make detour to Goldies Adult Superstore to pick up entourage/security team . . . on sale for $19.99 each.
Roll up to Walmart bumpin Rebecca Black’s “Friday” as I throw on my stunna shades. Instruct chauffeur to park, then hold my place in line. What? You think I could trust that fool alone with my bitches? Those girls are total skanks.
Finally the line begins to move. Panic-driven, I nose dive out the window landing seamlessly into a rolling somersault followed by three backflips and finishing with the splits. And, the crowd goes wild! (Raahhhh!!)
After taking a bow, I give a shout out to my homie, the chauffeur, for holding my place. Then I kindly redirect him to the back of the line. Not surprisingly, he heads straight back to the limo as I shout, “You can consider that your tip, fool!”.
As the line gains momentum, so do I as “Eye of the Tiger” plays inspirationally in my head. A lot of pushing and bitch slapping ensues, and, soon I find myself jumping over trampled shoppers who mistakenly left their shanks at home.
Then KAPOW! BLAM! BOOM! I karate chop into the air as I elbow suckas and mace their faces off. No one can stop me from getting in! Muahhaahaa!
Once inside, I head straight to electronics to pick up my 52 inch flat screen TV for $3. Sold out. No problem, I’ll just move right on to the XBox. Sold out. Digital camera. Sold out. DVD player. Sold out. Damnit!
Then, just when I was about to give up, I saw it - my 52 inch flat screen TV! It was there, in that woman’s cart! My precious!
At first I was very polite. I respectfully requested that she help move it into my cart. But when she declined and called me a “crazy bitch,” I jumped on her back and poked my fingers in her eyeballs.
Girl was as sturdy as an elephant and I was having trouble taking her down. She spun round and round like a record baby, but I still managed to hang on. Then, using her WWE throw-a-bitch-over-the-head-and-squeeze-really-hard maneuver, she had me within her grasps.
We were face to face when she squeezed me so hard I farted. The resulting change in air pressure (in combination with my well thought out grease laden rubber suit) propelled me into the air like a rocketship . . . right through the roof I went, all the way to the moon.
And then it started to rain bananas and there were . . . Carebears?
So, I slept through Black Friday. What’d you do?